I Don't Try To Make It Awkward

Elevator etiquette always fascinates me - conversations cease or grow quiet, personal space is paramount, but most of all people are obviously out for themselves. People will cut, squeeze, elbow and do just about everything they can to get themselves on an elevator.

Occasionally there will be a good Samaritan who will push the 'Open Door' button (and mean to) to allow someone else access to a closing elevator, but never - NEVER - will you see someone get off an elevator and offer up their spot to someone in more of a hurry.

The most aggravating thing to me, however, is how people act when they're getting on to the elevator.

Why on earth would you plant yourself directly in front of the door of a small room that people had to exit before you could enter? People don't do that when queuing up for a meeting, why would you do that to an elevator?

I have gotten into the habit of stepping off the elevator, and if someone was doing that, I just plant myself in front of the elevator and don't move. It's very interesting to see people panic because of the value they personally put on being ON THAT ELEVATOR.

To date people only sit and discuss the ridiculousness of their behavior through a single turn of the elevator - they tend to jump on as soon as the next one opens.


Plain Old-Aggressive Office Toy Of The Week: Micro Spy Remote (Keychain Universal TV Remote)

Executive Deadlines

I was pulled into an 8am meeting by a Senior Vice President last week to ask for an update from our first meeting the week before.



Unfortunately, I had nothing for him.

I'd had no meeting with him the week before because the SVP forgot. Because he forgot, I had 3 days, instead of the week previously planned, to come up with this update - including a project plan, stakeholders, and concrete dates.

I said no.

He was wanting me to assign something to another company, and then demand from them a  concrete date they'd be completed by. I passed on the phone number of the group in the other company that would be able to  do what he was asking as they'd already laughed at me.

As he 'forgot' and gave me a stepped up deadline, I wondered how he'd feel if the same thing happened to him.

I slipped an arbitrary checkup point for him - an update on executive communication - he was supposed to call the other company and get feedback on a possible move. I didn't connect this to any of the 'critical paths' through the project plan, and I did everything possible to obscure the due date and who it was assigned to.

I emailed him the night before and asked him to ensure he had a meeting scheduled to help drive the project. When he responded asking what I was talking about, I pointed to the project plan, and he pointed out that I was supposed to have set the call. I responded to him,

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. Well, you had four days to make this meeting before today, so I'll set it for two days out. We'll still need your part then."

I can't say I didn't get yelled at, but I can say that he'll think twice before doing that again.


Plain Old Aggressive Office Toy Of The Week:  Get The Hint Sticky Notes

Spreadsheets

Another facet of 'managing upward' that I'm learning is spreadsheets. At my previous position, managers were really big on the original spreadsheets, or spreadsheets of their own creation.

At my new job, my manager is big on his 'weekly reporting spreadsheet' and anything requested by upper management. I had a request from my boss' boss' boss for an 'issues tracking' spreadsheet. I took everything I learned from my last job and created the most amazing spreadsheet I've ever put together. Drawing from my experience and friends from various financial analyst jobs, I used formulas that crossed tabs, I locked cell contents, changed cell types, edited formatting, set cell spacing oddly, merged cells, and did so while retaining the look over the every-day spreadsheet.

I have been asked to never again provide a spreadsheet to management or salespeople.

 Plain old aggressive office toy of the week: ink that disappears completely (with no trace) after 48 hours. I love to write memos with this one - especially those with important info

Training

I've realized that all bosses good at 'managing upward' emphasize ... training! I remember in the interview my boss asked if I would be okay with training. I remember saying yes and then chuckling that nobody but Dilbert-style managers would take certifications like those seriously.

Fast-forward three months, and my manager is again asking if I have considered training. I said I was very open to it, and floated the only moderately interesting-looking class off the website he provided. He agreed to it, and told me to sign up for the five-day course in another city and book my airfare as soon as possible. I agreed, and went about my daily business.

I waited until Tuesday of the next week when much to my chagrin the course had been filled! I emailed this disastrous news to my boss, and then went back to my work. I think if he still wants me to take a course, I'm going to book the plane tickets first, and then inform him the course is full.

Can we say 'vacation?'

Plain old aggressive office toy of the week: dictionary book safe

Should've Gone Into Sales

I'm not a 'happy' person. I don't 'glow' or 'talk about my feelings' or any of that crap. I do my job, I go home, and I get harassed by soul-sucking symbiotes who want nothing more than everything I have (of course, I'm talking about my wife and children).

Given that my life is just miserable to begin with, I came to the realization that I should have gone into sales. I would be miserable, but I'd be rich and miserable - which I'm sure would leave me much more content after my divorced-because-of-work and loss of job due to the economy and my depression over my failed marriage.

But once I was out, free to pursue my passion, no only would I do so without the baggage (ie two additional mouths to feed and interests to fund), but also with a nice bank account to help my prolonged period of unemployment (thank you mr. taxpayer!).

I say this because the sales guy showed up at our office three days ago. At 11am. Wearing a long sleeved shirt, shorts, and flip flops. He worked for two hours, and went back home to sleep off his corporate-paid hangover. I've emailed him three times this week looking for specs he worked out with the customer, and he has yet to get back to me.  ::sigh:: Maybe next job...

Plain-old aggressive office toy of the week: Butterfly Kni-er, Pen

Introductions (Back to Ranting)

So I hate talking about myself in normal situations, but even more in surprise situations. I was recently surprised at a group staff meeting and asked to talk about myself, and give background on who I was. I had just been hired by this group! Why was it necessary for me to tell them who I was? Didn't they know? Weren't they there during the interviews? Or is it assumed that they weren't paying attention, and if so - do I really want to be working for this group?

They also never tell you beforehand, or give you a guideline. They just say, "so here's the new guy" and let you sit there and stutter for a few minutes until they realize nobody was prepared (or cares) and move on to the topic of the meeting.

Even though I don't like this, I have decided to start my time with this group off right, and have not reacted to being put in this uncomfortable situation. HA! Sorry, couldn't keep it together for that one. No, I went out to the most expensive steakhouse I could for lunch and put it on the corporate card, citing technical group discussions and onboarding. Now I know that doesn't come out of my boss' pocket, but he does have to justify it to his boss :)

Plain-old aggressive office weapon of the week: Personal Soundtrack Shirt (ever wanted to play 'Stayin' Alive' while walking in on the first day? Or the Imperial March when a co-worker says something about the boss when the boss is right behind him? I personally have it under my button-up so I can pull it out Superman-style and put my co-workers on the spot.

Not A Rant

I'm going to break form today - I have decided I like corporate cards. I have been on a company paid trip for the last 5 days, and I'm enjoying my daily meal allowance, putting parking and gas on the card, and having a GPS on my company.

In addition, I forgot how convenient it is for a company to provide equipment. I realized I'm one of those rare people that actually would not own several things if they were not given to me, and that helps me appreciate them all the more.

Non-aggressive office toy of the week: noise cancelling headphones (key for ignoring the office around you)

Importance

Email - that ubiquitous form of communication in my life - continues to provide endless annoyances to me. I was emailed by a friend talking about an after-work activity, and the email was sent as a 'high-importance' email. Immediately after, I received another high-priority email from another person giving general information to another person. I was only cc'd at a very general level.

Because of this, I have taken to breaking up my emails into multiple emails along various levels of importance. I'll send the greeting at a low priority, half the body as a moderate, the other half as a low, and the signature as a high. This combined with the cc'ing or bcc'ing of various people to other emails has significantly cut down on the amount of corporate spam I receive, but also has increased the senior manager level interactions I have.

Hey, at least they know my name, right?

Plain old aggressive office toy of the week: remote control car/boat

Two Weeks

There's no greater feeling than turning in two weeks notice. I hoped this was coming, and was putting off ... well, doing work for the last few days so that I had an excuse not to do it. You know, at all. I'm leaving a soul-sucking position - one that gives me no enjoyment or pleasure, and requires poor hours - for a position that involves no personal conflict, and should allow me better hours, with better pay, and in a better environment.

So I turned in my two weeks, did the "it's not you, it's me" dance with my manager while avoiding telling him where I was going to avoid retribution, and am now watching live streaming soccer at my desk. I purchased myself a celebratory bottle of scotch, and will probably need to stop leaving it on my desk when senior managers are walking by.

I'm not sure if it's the impending deadline, or every single person I meet asking why I'm still here doing work that is rapidly draining my motivation, but I have found myself deviating from my usual delay tactics to really just deliberately not looking in the queues I'm supposed to be watching, or even responding to users when they email/IM me.

The bulk of my efforts have gone into preparing for my departure day where I will bring in a large selection of beer and set up a tasting - hopefully at a nearby BYOB restaurant.

Training and Pavlovian Conditioning

I work in a 'service industry.' This is not by choice, and I have attempted in more than one way over several years to keep myself away from working with customers because I have one slight problem. I hate people. This hatred, though is exacerbated when I have to deal with people who out of ignorance or laziness make me do more work.

Working in a ticketing system involves a user calling in with a problem and creating a 'ticket' with the issue, which is then put into a 'queue' that is accessed by a program that I have to refresh before I see updates on. There are frequently times that I will see a user's name in the queue, and I will do one of two things. There are also people who are known in the ticketing system. These users follow Einstein's definition of insanity (doing the exact same thing over and over, expecting different results).

So I'll jump in and take a look at the ticket. If the user is asking for something new, I'll assign it to someone else - just because I'm sick of assisting them, and probably wouldn't be able to be nice if I needed it. However, if the user is asking for the exact same thing I just fixed for them a few minutes ago, I will assign myself the ticket, do the work, but let the ticket sit.

I will let that deadline come and - not wanting our managers to be put in a poor light - set the ticket as completed literally with 5 minutes left on the deadline. Most of our tickets are 4 day issues, and it makes it even more entertaining when the user calls in and tries to mark the ticket as 'RUSH' or 'IMPORTANT' or 'HURRY.' Severity was an option when the ticket was created, and if it wasn't severe when it was created, the user is bored and just wants it.

Emails or communication I receive to follow-up these 'escalations' usually end up with me asking what has changed. If the user responds nothing has changed between when they opened the ticket and when they escalated it, then I respond that I have other important issues, and will make it to their ticket as soon as I get free time, but responding to emails actually detracts from the time I have to work on tickets as I only have one functional keyboard occupied by two hands responding to the users' status request.

Of course, if they cc their boss, I enjoy updating the ticket (as the work was done), and sending the completion email. Then I wait 2 min and respond to the cc with my own cc saying, "I just emailed you that this work was completed - why are you escalating this when the work's done?!" That always gets a good apology  out of them :)

Plain-old aggressive office toy of the week: This one's fun to just leave half-hidden under a pile of papers - Airsoft pistol

Cube Warfare

It seems people have taken issue with my actions - various complaints have come in about various incidents from projectiles to 'workplace distractions.' I've started being more subversive in my actions, like this morning when I taped electricians tape across the bottoms of all the mice on the developer's cubes across from me. It took 5 of them over 20 minutes to get a desktop supply person to point out to them that the reason the red light wasn't on was due to a piece of tape.

The staggering combined intelligence of that group aside, I find myself running out of ways to not be petty, but still extract my revenge. Hmmmm...

Plain old aggressive office weapon of the day:  Zero Fog Blaster (surprisingly annoying, especially when done on a regular basis)

Office Bingo

I've started scheduling random meetings and marking them as private in my calendar. I have invited four or five fellow co-sufferers who are on the same floor as me and together we play Office Bingo.

To play office bingo you create your wordset (synergy, proactive, compliance, etc...), and then create a bingo board that looks like either a schedule or something similar (so it's not quite as obvious that you're just playing bingo) and then listen to the conversations around you.

With the obnoxious jackasses in the next aisle over, this is a charm for me - especially compared to people across the floor from me. The real trick is announcing you  have bingo (easier to do if the Office Bingo 'meeting' includes a conference call) without informing the floor you're not doing any work.

Aggressive Office Toy of the Week:  Magnetic Accelerator Cannon

Scavenging - It's A Lifestyle

I was doing the low-level work for my boss the other day (rhymes-with-witch work), when I unearthed a hidden gem. I was scheduling a meeting for a large group when I saw a note in the reservation system that conference rooms must be occupied for meetings or the organizing group would be charged. This means if someone in my company schedules a meeting over lunch, they mean it.

It took a moment for me to realize that these meetings were important, and would therefore most likely include food. So I tested my new theory out. I saw that there was a meeting two floors down from me - a floor that is loosely related in group - I'm not a stranger down there, and I could most likely BS my way into/out of the meeting if I really needed to.

I staked out the hallway by pretending I was on the phone with someone, and as soon as the meeting ended I slipped in a space, claiming I had left my notebook in there. It was as if I had entered the Nirvana of the cheap-meeting-food world. There were sandwiches, bags of chips, soda, and even sides! I walked over to "my chair" first and snaggled a few abandoned sheets of paper from the middle of the desk, and as I walked back out I "noticed" the food.

"Well, can't let it go to waste. Did you send the word out yet?" I asked the guy at the door. He shook his head.

"Nah, we're letting meeting participants fill up first." I nodded

"Wise man!" I picked up a sandwich and soda and moved as if to leave. He turned, and spun back around, sticking another sandwich, and three bags of chips  on the paper, while squirreling two sodas away in each pocket. I stepped out the door sideways while kicking the trashcan. He looked back inside, and I moseyed on over to the elevators.

I now have my daily lunch procedure down.

Plain-old aggressive office toy of the week:  Annoy-a-tron (because it's funny if it's not on your floor)

It's A Hallmark Moment

One thing there has been a rash of recently are inter-office cards for various reasons that I don't care about being signed and given to people I don't know.

 I am a quiet person, I do my job, and I come home. I don't know 'Bob from accounting,' 'Dave from strategic planning,' 'Jane from project management,' or anyone else not 1) in my row, or 2) in my group.

Because of this, I don't need to know when 'Dick from processing' has a baby, and I don't want to contribute any money to his kid's college fund. The kid certainly isn't going to come find me in 20 years and say, "Man, thank you for that $20! You put me into Harvard, man! I would have had to go to west-side gangland community college if it weren't for you!"

Keep your cards in your own row, don't let them travel between floors, and don't ask me for money. The man has a job for a reason!

Plain-old aggressive office toy of the week: Airzoooka Air Gun

Phone Meetings

I have started announcing random people at meetings. I sit in a row of cubes that's relatively quiet, but one row over is a group of developers who thinks the H-shaped wall dividers, or maybe the plants, constitutes an impenetrable sound barrier. Because of this barrier, they feel the need to shout at each other, even though the combined distance between their two farthest people is over 15 feet (but not 16, that extra foot is a killer!).

This makes conference calls horrid to be on, as you have people trying to convey information on one end, and people screaming at each other about baseball (and they're old enough they STILL think the entire 'Who's on first?' routine is hysterical. Even after the 20th time this week).

Because of this, I have started to get up when they're yelling at each other, walk over until I'm literally invading their personal space and announce to my conference call,

"Hey guys, sorry to interject, but Dave here apparently has something that's so incredibly important to say that he needs to scream it out to the floor, so I'm just going to put him on." And I had the phone to him and walk away.

Plain-old Aggressive Office Toy Of the Week: USB Missile Launcher

I Don't Bother You At Work...

People in other groups at work have taken to ignoring all documentation and requests from me and my group, and have started emailing my group alias when they want to get a hold of someone in my group. They will ignore the on-call, ignore the documentation, ignore the on-call database, ignore the group that was created to escalate to the most adept person, and email MY ENTIRE GROUP AT 2AM.

So I've started taking a list of these people and cc'ing them on the most mundane of matters. I would copy them when asking about times, when getting information from vendors, when submitting PTO requests.

Plain-old Aggressive Office Toy Of the Week:  Pen that shocks people that click it